Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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