I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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