how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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