Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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