please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
