Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
