My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
