Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
