I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
