One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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