New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
