nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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