I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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