dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
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Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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