I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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