Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
