I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Boobs are out for the taking
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
