i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
