I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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