Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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