blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
