So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...