i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
