so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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