maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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