I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
