so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just puked most of my soul out..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
