Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
