Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
