Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
