Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
