I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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