After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
