I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
3pm strippers are depressing
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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