R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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