My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I will pee on everything he values.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
