I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
