At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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