His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
