Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
