If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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