I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
