3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Randomize
