i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
