look no pants
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
