Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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