I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
