soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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