Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
