Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
