My underwear smells like fireworks.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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