I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
