I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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