I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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