somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
