I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
