This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
