the condom got lost in my hair
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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